They don't last to long so I have to savor them. I guess my crazy sleep patterns DO have an advantage. Anyway, long story short I actually have a plan for today. (Of course now that I've said that the demon gods will unleash their forces and dash my plans to bits). Well, sometimes when that happens, it's for the best, but not today. Today, I'm stayin' on track.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, is a day of organization, of getting my shit together, ass in gear...you get the picture. I've got a babysitter, (Aunt Nat) spent the night. I could, no I AM going to get a couple of things accomplished. At least a couple. I have to, cause this is just getting ridiculous. SERIOUSLY. I've gotten so far off track. Shit, half the time I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. See, that's just not good, and frankly, it's completely unacceptable.
Yesterday morning/last night I sat and started a list of things that I like. Yes, cats, ice cream, good whiskey, they were on the list but I was mostly looking for times in my life where I felt like everything was in sync. Even thinking about those moments, I get a tingle in my chest. I long for that feeling, that sense of wonder, excitement, discovery, of being in the moment. I've become bogged down in stuff I'm told I should like, want, chase. And that stuff is okay for awhile but it doesn't give me that feeling. The feeling I get when I'm really being me, comfortable with me, hell, just being.
What's really scary is I'm not sure I know how to do it any more. You know, just let go, relax, be comfortable with myself. Is who I see in the mirror who I want my daughter to model? How can I teach her to have a good sense of self, when I don't have that. I have to do something...I can't continue going through life being so unsatisfied because I've moved so far away from who I really am. I can no longer stand there and say I don't like, don't want, I wish...That's just unacceptable. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. I refuse to let it continue.
So it begins...(wish me luck)
xoxo
